God bless Dr. Ferber

Thanks to Dr. Ferber and my own mother, I have had three nights of uninterrupted sleep. I think it has been at least two years since I've had a run even close to that. Mom kept Jewel overnight on Friday, her first night away from us. And the last two nights she has slept soundly all night long!

In certain parenting circles, Dr. Ferber is demonized as a let-your-baby-cry-it-out villain who is partly to blame for the moral decay of our society. But, when I was nursing a nearly-one-year-old all night long instead of sleeping, I knew that we would both be happier people if we were getting better sleep. So, I actually read Dr. Ferber's book, and discovered it was not authored by Lucifer nor published by the Hades Press, in fact, I think Dr. Ferber is considerate, and non-judgemental - allowing us to define problems ourselves. So off she went to her crib in her room. We were down to two wakings a night, and -- knock wood -- no wakings for the last two nights.

Thank you, Jewel, for my early Christmas present. In the words of Tiny Tim, God bless us everyone, and you too Dr. Ferber.

Outlasting a greyhound

Here is one of the only pictures I have of myself on the Breast Cancer 3 day walk:

Also featured in the photo is my personal support crew. It was an amazing event, that I think I will participate in again in 2009. Obviously Breast cancer is a personal health concern to me, as well as something I council patients about on a daily basis. I met a great friend on the walk, who is keeping up with her own training and putting me to shame. So Jennifer, if your reading, we're still a team!

So in order to improve my own health, and to appear less hypocritical to my patients, I went for a run with my dog today. I estimate that I ran half of the distance and walked the other half. My greyhound, Stella, came along for emotional support and did well in her role. By wearing herself out she made me feel that perhaps I wasn't as out of shape as I feared. (Of course, greyhounds are sprinters, not distance runners, and granted I'm not a cat or a bunny) Although it wasn't a marathon, it was a start.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself, and I'm hoping to keep it up.

One year ago today . . .

I gave birth to my darling Jewel at 3:02 in the morning. I did it without medication, without medical technology or prying eyes or hands. I did it with dignity and courage and love and the assistance of a few other loving family members. I did it in the privacy of my own home. It was just the way I wanted it to be.

Then, we had the most wonderful snuggle in our own bed, followed by a feast of a breakfast with the entire family in attendance to help us celebrate. I sat at the table, with my new babe in my arms, feeling a little tired, but mostly in awe of the wonderful new life among us. Thrilled to feel physically well after such an amazing travail.

Today we sang to her and I held her close. She has a cold today and doesn't feel well. Saturday we will have a small celebration of her first year earthside. I'm so grateful for her and so happy to be her Mommy. It's wonderful.

Tonight's bedtime snack:

Sleeping belle:

Round 12,378 of Jenny Vs "The Man"

Remember this post?

Well, over the holidays I received a reimbursement check from the insurance company for said Home Birth! It took months of harassment, and prodding from me, but finally, an insurance company paid me!

One day, I'll have to post the story of her birth. Maybe when her birthday rolls around. It was, perhaps, the best day of my life. I can't think of any way in which it could have been better. And, now the icing, on the frosting, on the cherry, on the whipped cream of the most wonderful cake ever is that I got paid back.

Victory.

Thanksgiving carols

Thanksgiving was wonderful, and just as it should be. The children serenaded us with Thanksgiving carols of their own composition. Sadly there is no audio, but this is the best photo I have:

There are musicians budding in our midst.

Thanksgiving was truly a time I am thankful for. We even reconnected with a side of the family I haven't seen in a long time.

Only 8 days until Julianna's birthday. I can't believe it has nearly been a year since that wonderful day she arrived. We must make preparations.

what we did today:

Because Eric's office was closed for Veterans' Day and I happened not to be scheduled to work today, we took the children to daycare and had a day off together. It was the most time we have had alone since Jewel was born. We spent most of the day in Rome, but we did wander past this curious sign:

In case you don't have 20/20, it reads "Historic Site Meteorite Landing Circa 1998"

This is me in the hole created by said meteorite:

We had fun just toodeling around, not being interrupted by little vioces, or potty emergencies, or feeding schedules. We did just what we wanted, which renewed us, and refilled our well of patience so that we can handle the little voices, potty emergencies and feeding schedules more gracefully tonight.

We did it!

Thanks to everyone who helped us across the finish line. As much as I hyped the 3 Day Walk, I feel badly that I haven't written about the actual event. Believe it or not, the closest thing I can liken it to is natural childbirth. It left me feeling like I could do anything. My mother, Joann, and I raised over $3000 between the two of us. As a group, the Atlanta Breast Cancer 3 Day raised 8.3 Million Dollars! That much money was raised by regular people like you and me. Astounding! Friends of ours walked in the San Francsico 3 Day, which raised over 5 Million Dollars (it was the first year in that city). Can you imagine?

I made a great friend on the walk, also named Jennifer. She and I cheered eachother on, remenicsed about Atlanta hotspots of the 1990s, and played games to get eachother through the tough miles. 20 miles, three days in a row is no joke, folks. It hurt! But we did it. I can't speak for her, but I got the impression that Mom's job as 3 day crew member was at least as hard as my job as a walker.

Last minute planner that I am, I didn't bring a camera. So as soon as I get photos from other people, I will post them. It was truly an amazing event, and a great example of how regular people like us can change the world.

Never doubt yourself, or your ability to make change in the world.

felting (but not in Felton)

I've been taking stuff that looks like this:and turning it into stuff that looks like this:

A jewel in the squash

The family that hays together

.................NEWS FLASH.........................

I've exceeded my fundraising goal for the breastcancer 3 day walk! Woohoo!



This is so exciting and such a relief to me! When it's all said and walked, I'll post photos. For now I am so pleased to be able to relax a bit, and focus on the final preparations and training.

For those of you who haven't gotten around to donating, there is no need to despair. You can still donate at www.jenny3day.info or better yet go to my mother's page (she is working as part of the breast cancer 3 day crew) at http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/AtlantaEvent?px=1924214&pg=personal&fr_id=1181 and donate there.

Hoorah to everyone who donated. Your generosity has not gone unnoticed.

I've joined the army

The Army of Women, at www.armyofwomen.org

This is a partnership between women and researchers who will work together to discover the causes of breast cancer and how to prevent it.

Here is why this is important. There is only so much we can learn from animal studies (I know this from experience). Most current breast cancer research focuses on treating women who already have cancer. But wouldn't it be wonderful to find out what causes cancer in the first place so that we can prevent it from ever happening? That is what the Army of Women is trying to do. They hope to recruit ONE MILLION women willing to participate in various studies. Finding people to participate is one of the most difficult challenges many researchers face. The Army of Women will provide a large, willing pool of participants for researchers to draw from when they are doing an investigation. I've already signed up, I hope you and your friends and family members, coleagues and internet friends will too.

It is such an elegant and simple thing. You sign up as a volunteer. As new research projects come around they will send emails out looking for women with certain characteristics willing to participate. If you are interested, you let them know. It's that simple. You can do as much or as little as you want.

I've done this type of thing before for another study. It involved answering survey questions, and providing urine and blood samples. I've also donated saliva samples, cord blood samples, and breast milk samples for researchers. I'm probably a bit more gung-ho than the average Jane, but I feel these are small things I can do to help gain more insight into the bigger picture.

I'm so excited about this. I think this really is a way that we can all come together and make a difference. So, consider signing up. www.armyofwomen.org

A timely meme

So I got tagged by a book meme by my mother at News of the Boobs. These are the rules:
* Grab the nearest book.
* Open the book to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the text of the next two to five sentences in your blog along with these instructions.
* Don’t dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.
* Tag five other people to do the same

So the closest true book is. . . . . . . . . . . . .Josefina Javelina: A Hairy Tale, by Susan Lowell and Illustrated by Bruce MacPherson

There is no page 56, so I'll work with page 5.

"Pasadena!' she cried. That's right next door to HOLLYWOOD!" And she burst out singing: "Let me go where the grass is greener!
I'll pack my tutu and concertina
And hit the road to Pasadena!"

So there you have it. Not the glamorous life of the intellectual, but the life of a mother and son who got his first Library card yesterday. This is one of the books he chose to check out. The other, of course, was about pirates.

Sitting pretty

I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face. I just figured out that I have less than $200 to raise to meet my goal to walk in the breast cancer 3 day. But the bigger, more wonderful thing that I just found, is that people have the opportunity to write messages to us when they make donations on line. I, somehow, was unaware of this until tonight and only discovered it because I'm not sleepy when everyone else is. Anyway, I just discovered a whole host of wonderful thoughts and blessings written to my mother and I. So many people had so many touching things to say to us and I've only just discovered it!

There are so many generous people in this world. I can't believe how much money we have raised together. It makes my heart happy to know that we are working together for some positive change in the world. It also makes me wonder what else we could achieve by working together.

kids on a cool slide

Big brother helps Jewelie on the slide.

We went to A taste of Carrollton tonight. It was like some modern version of hunting and gathering, but it was delish.

Hip Momma

http://www.ellabeebaby.com/Detail.bok?no=114

I made empanadas tonight. Mmmmm... I didn't even know what they were this morning, but tonight I think they taste like good Christmas food. Must be the cloves and raisins. Even the little boy ate it. Hey Mikey, He likes it!

Things seem so everyday here that sometimes I don't know what to blog about. The life of a stay at home mom can sound so unremarkable. I got the van serviced, I washed it and vacuumed it, I did the grocery shopping and made sure the trash made it to the curb before the truck came (Trash pick up is one of the true marvels of modern man - try living without it sometime), I made dinner. Who wants to hear about those things? We all want to believe that they just magically happen. It doesn't sound like an achievement, but I think anything that gets done with a baby on the hip is an achievement. But nobody ever won a Nobel Prize for household management as far as I am aware (not that I would even make the short list). Nonetheless, that is what I do most days.

Two days a week I still work in the clinic as a midwife. Sometimes those days are remarkable and other days routine. I'm constantly amazed at what women will put up with from their partners, as well as the burdens they can bear successfully and gracefully. In her book Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neal Hurston writes:

So de white man throw down de load and tell de nigger man tuh pick it up. He pick it up because he have to, but he don’t tote it. He hand it to his womenfolks. De nigger woman is demule uh de world so fur as Ah can see. Ah been prayin’ fuh it tuh be different wid you. Lawd, Lawd, Lawd!

Now, I'm not trying to get into a discussion on race relations, or feminism. I just think Janie's grandmother (the speaker), sums things up so well in this part of the book. Sometimes it really does seem that women, and especially poorer women, bear the heaviest burdens in society. And yet, women, I believe, have the greatest responsibility in society - rearing children, shaping and molding the future of the world. So often with the most minimal of resources. What is the best way to help? I help where I can, but I want to make change on a grander scale. One to one in the office, doesn't feel like enough for me, anymore.

To that effect, I stopped by the Obama/Biden headquarters in town today. No yard signs are available, but supposedly they'll call me when they are. I've never been excited about a political race, because I never saw anything that looked different from what we've always had. But this time, I have hope.

What I've been up to

So here is a picture Eric took of me today with his (gasp!) iPhone:

Of course, it's the end of a long work day, my makeup has rubbed off, and I'm sitting inside Gloria, the minivan. But there are a few things you can see here that are different about me (other than the crows feet):

I've colored my hair a bit darker than it grows, and I've a tiny little sparkle in my nose.

You may wonder if there is trouble in paradise. The girls at work think I've lost my mind. They only see me in my professional role, and have no idea that there is more to me than a mommy/midwife.

Truth is, that way back when I was a little girl, I remember seeing Indian women who had jewelry in their noses. I thought that they looked so exotic and beautiful and feminine. Just like the lady I so vividly remember who talked with my mother at an English Country Dance. As they conversed I was entranced by the ivy that wrapped so beautifully around her delicate wrist. It was the first tattoo I ever noticed and the most beautiful, as well. Isn't it interesting the things that make impressions on us when we are young?

So I've wanted to do this for years, decades even. About eleven years ago I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish in the next year, and then in the next 5 years. I went on with life and then found the list a few years later - do you know there was only one outstanding item on the list? With this in mind, I started a new list. Getting my nose pierced was one thing on it. I plan to change the jewelry to something a bit more subtle once it is healed. But, just as with earrings, it seems there is "starter" jewelry you wear in the beginning.

There are few interesting things I've noticed since I did this last Thursday (ooh- a week ago). A)the ladies I work with don't have any idea about my real personality B)Neither my son or my mother seem to have noticed C)There are at least two other mom's at Liam's church pre-school that have visible facial piercings and they don't look creepy or weird at all.

Perhaps the this whole post is frivolous, but something even more frivolous is my excitement not about the republican national convention broadcast tonight, but the first episode of 90210! It's strange to say, but it's like an old friend is back in town.

One last cool thing that's going on in my life right now. Yesterday I was piddling around in a tiny little antiques shop a few miles from home, when I found something that looks a lot like this:

This is a birthing stool from the early 1800s in America. Women sat on them, pulling upward on the handles as they pushed new life into the world. Despite the fact that I thought I was fed up with midwifery and working in women's health, I'm captivated by this odd little chair I found in a backwoods antiques market. I want the thing so badly. I feel like it is a link to the sufferings and joys of countless women and the midwives who attended them in their travail. I think I just have to have it. It seems like a ridiculous thing to spend money on, but then so is jewelry in your nose.

I'll let you know if I buy it.

Julia Childs, again

Who would have thought that avacado, tuna, red bell pepper, and lemon could turn out edible? Dang it! -- It was even good! I'll happily eat leftovers tomorrow. I can't believe I liked it. I can't believe I even tried it. Most of all, I can't believe I made it.

Obviously, people can change.

In other news, Julianna is crawling. Only a few paces at a time, but she is crawling. Three teeth now, two on bottom and one on top, but I think the other top tooth should break through very soon. I'll try to get a photo posted soon.

Liam will start a new preschool next week. I hope he likes it.

In other news, I am 1/3 of the way to my fundraising goal for the 3 day.

In other news, I think I have decided to move on career-wise. I just don't know when the big day will be. I'm reading (portions of) the book, Do What You Are, which was recommended to me by a friend. It uses the Myers-Briggs personality types to help you figure out what careers and work environments are typically good for you. So, I'm stewing on that for now. Giving extraordinarily serious thought to being a stay at home mom. Hmmmm . . . Back to the people can change thing.

It takes a village

Geeze - how do single parents do it? Or even just couples who live far from family?

Tonight I got to talk with a very dear friend (she caught Jewel) that I haven't spoken with in a while. However, it meant that Eric put Jewel to sleep and Mom, God bless her, stepped up and got Liam ready for bed. When I got out of the tub, she was reading a night-night story to him.

Here it is 8:30 and I can barely hold my eyelids up. We all need a village - I really think we do.

Fund raising

I first must say thank you to all the generous people who have donated to our efforts to participate in the breast cancer 3 day walk. What a lot of people don't know about this huge event, is that not only do the participants walk 60 miles over the course of 3 days, but each and every walker raised a minimum of $2200. You can't actually walk if you don't raise at least that much money. Although it is an athletic event, it is a fundraiser at the core. So far, I've raised 23% of my goal. So I do have a long way to go.

I have never been involved much in fundraising, so I'm not so sure how to go about it. If anyone has any ideas, skills, talents or resources that would be helpful in this endeavor, I would appreciate your help immensely.

I'm walking, in preparation too. So if you see me walking in the area, please try not to run over me, say a prayer for all of us, and perhaps make a donation to the cause. There is a t-shirt for sale, that says "Now that we've made it ok to talk about breast cancer, let's make it unnecessary." That sounds like a fabulous goal to me. I think you have to be sixteen to participate in the walk. I hope that a cure has made the walk a moot point by the time my children are old enough to participate. Just imagine it!

My thanks and gratitude to all who have assisted me thus far. Pray I can reach the financial goal, and the very real finish line this October.

Peace

We have a logo

So, I'm trying to find people and companies willing to sponsor me in the breast cancer three day walk. As part of this effort I'm going to try to sell spots on a t-shirt that my team will wear while we are training and then walking in the 3 day in October. Yesterday, Eric and I came up with a logo for our team:

(for some reason the colors are wrong here on Blogger. Our logo is the same color as those other golden arches with black text. I think it loses the effect in blue :( )

Being the breastfeeding mother-loving last-name-mcdonald midwife freak that I am, I find this hillarious. I just hope other people aren't too embarrased to put their names or company logos next to it!

Don't you think baby onesies with this on it and "frequent diners club" under it or "open 24/7" would be so punny? Or am I just a nutjob? I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive. Anyway, now it is up to me to start approaching others and asking for money. The only folks I've been successful with in that department are Mom and Gramma. They can't fund the whole thing, so I better get to work on a new skill set.

A repost from my response to an article on Babble.com

See the original article here.

This is becoming a big issue right now, because the American Medical Association is considering a resolution that proposes individual state legislation to prevent home birth. This is driving me mad with anger. I consider their actions an affront to my personal privacy and my rights as both a woman and a citizen of the world. What if I told all the AMA members that they can only have bowel movements on Sunday and only when supervised by someone adequately trained to assist them? Sometimes I get so fed up that I have to say something. After I read the article, I had to post a comment. I'm thinking of sending a modified version of this to the editors of some newspapers, and perhaps the American Medical Association, and a few other "health professional organizations." Perhaps the poop reference should be avoided, so here is my more official sounding write-up. I'll be looking for links to the referenced statistics. I'll provide them to you as I find them.

There are plenty of good studies to show that planned home birth for low-risk mothers is as safe as or safer than giving birth in the hospital. Check the British Medical Journal for one of the best studies. I believe it was 2005. Most of the women in the world give birth outside of the hospital. The countries with the best maternal and infant mortality rates utilize midwives more and often have a larger percentage of their babies born at home.

Somehow, the human race survived prior to the advent of maternity wards.

Sometimes bad things happen. Simply spending millions of dollars, and giving birth in a hospital doesn't prevent bad things from happening. The United States spends more money on health care than any other country in the world, but our maternal and infant mortality statistics are near the bottom of the list of industrialized nations. In fact, the number of women in the US who die as a result of pregnancy or childbirth is rising. So clearly, hospitals and money alone are not the answer.Instead of crying wolf over the five percent of women in this country who have their babies at home, perhaps our energy would be better spent lowering the c-section rate, improving infant and maternal mortality rates, discovering the reason for and rectifying racial disparities in these rates, and giving women both the right to choose where to birth and dignity and respect during the process.

Rock on Madeline!

The government is working!

So, Mom got her passport in ten days.

Jewel's social security number arrived today. Exactly one week after I applied for it. Now we can file our taxes (I know that few people look forward to that, but it will be a load off, and hopefully a return - oh and an economic stimulus check would come in handy,too.)

You just wouldn't believe how excited I am. I have spent HOURS working on this and her birth certificate. I feel like I finally achieved something.

On Father's day we decided that the whole famn damily is going on a cruise in July. Really, I'm so excited - mostly that we are ALL going (Eric's parents and my Mom), but also that someone else is going to cook and clean for me for 7 days, AND I will get to go new places and see new things. I feel so lucky that I have married into a family that I enjoy spending time with and being a part of. I feel even luckier that they have not only accepted me as one of their own, but my crazy and complicated family, too.

Here are a couple of Father's day photos for ya:

That last one is from a series that I started when Liam was four months old, for Eric's first Father's Day. There is a picture each year with a letter, that all go into a five-photo frame to collectively spell DADDY. If I had the other photos on the computer I'd post them. The changes over the last three years are unbelievable. Of course, this was the first year with TWO children in the picture. And let me tell you, getting two to hold the letter right way, look at the camera with their eyes open and look like they were perhaps enjoying the moment, was no small feat.

Hope this finds you all well. Jenny

When I'm feeling blue

All I have to do

Is check out the interspecies snorgeling link on http://www.cuteoverload.com/

If one of the posts there doesn't make you smile then the Underlord of Darkness must have stolen your soul and replaced it with quickcrete.

Be sure to check out the wallaby and the sloth.

What I have in common with Julia Childs

"I was thirty-two when I started cooking; up until then, I just ate."
— Julia Child

So, in the interest of family health, I am endeavoring to learn to cook. So far, I've made a few different dishes, all of which people were willing to eat, and occasionally more than one serving. I've done a few things for the first time recently: chopped a red bell pepper, used cumin (does anyone know what that is?), been excited about buying measuring cups, eaten something I knew had red bell peppers in it, longed for new measuring spoons (fancy ones I saw with pretty flowers on them), just poured directly into a pan without measuring, and liked the taste of food that I knew had carrots and red bell peppers in it.

These achievements may sound like small potatoes to some of you, but you must realize this is written by a woman who didn't try pepper or mustard (let alone spicy mustard) until she was in her mid-twenties. I was essentially raised by two women with stomach ulcers. The only seasonings I grew up with were salt, and parsley. Speaking of parsley, I've never figured out what it adds to a dish other than little green flecks.

So you can see that I am a true beginner at this. Prior to the culinary adventures of late, I could only claim to be a moderately good grilled cheese sandwich chef, with occasional successful ventures in baking. To everyone else this may all seem elementary, and perhaps you are thinking that I have taken on this responsibility a bit late in life. Perhaps you are right. None the less, I have.

Once, I hated cooking. It seemed only like a necessity, the same way that peeing and breathing are required for existence. Perhaps there were some meals better than others (especially if someone else was cooking), but really it was just about sustenance. Now, I have taken on a new attitude. Cooking is becoming an act of love. A minor holy event. A time that I can ease health and the spirit of caring into the bodies of those who mean the most to me, rather than forcing convenient toxins down in haste. It is a strange and new meditation for me. A wonderful new lesson in the many ways of loving.

I think I can quit one of my part time jobs

Two things that the state seems to have a hard time reconciling:



And



Finally, after taking on the task as if it were a part time job, and when Julianna was six months and one day, we got her birth certificate. I had two or three people at the state department of vital records and two or three people at my local office working on this one project. Despite the fact that it took six months to coordinate everyone's efforts, we all worked together and on Monday we were issued, not one but two official copies of her birth certificate at no charge! It was refreshing to receive true service at a government office (more than one, actually).

Mr. Blue bird's on my shoulder

It's the truth! It's factual! Everything is satisfactual!

Jewel and I both slept through the night! And so did Liam, and Eric, and the dogs.

From 11 pm to 5:45 am I had a shocking affair with the sandman while my children slept snug in their beds. It feels scandalous.

One crafty bitch, aka SuperMom

So, I promised Liam his own superhero cape . . .

I designed the whole thing myself, made my own pattern, and got to use new features on the most badass sewing machine ever. I enjoying sewing these types of crafts the most. There are no instructions to follow, I just make them up as I go. Sewing is so cool because you get instant gratification. You can see it happen before your eyes. I love it.

I'm pretty pleased with this. Liam must be too, because he is sleeping under it like it is a blanket.

I have to give props to my own supermom. She held Jewel so I could sew, and even cooked me dinner, since I felt puny.

Here is baby Jewel doing the laundry, just a few days ago:

Remember I said I'd been inspired?

Well, the sewing machine fairy (aka my Mom, Joann) came to my house last night. She brought a new singer sewing machine. It has amazing new details. Things that may have become standard sometime in the last fifty years since my old machine was manufactured. I'm sure it was state of the art, at the time, but wow! I love all the touches this new machine has.

Anyway, I've completed my first project. It is a wall hanging for my niece Mariah. It is my prototype for one I plan to make to hang in the kids' playroom at home. I'm probably a little more proud of it than I should be:






The yellow in the back ground is the new color in our now lovely kitchen :)
Here is the M up close:



And the tassel at the tip:

So, although I took the inspiration from somewhere else, I did completely design this little flag on my own. My next idea is to sew a superhero cape for SuperLiam and then perhaps the fantastic flag I'm planning for our play room.

You'll never convince me my kids aren't cute

how much is too much

As a mother, I feel compelled to save those certain items of childhood importance. Saving things has always been a bit of a compulsion for me. As a teenager I saved my sisters' school work and art projects that I felt were underappreciated by our parents. I put the exceptional pieces on my bedroom door for display and admiration. Now, I have two children of my own and have to determine how much of their physical childhood should be saved and how much is too much.

About ten days ago, my son lost his last pacifier. This boy is 3 years old and has been quite attached to this little piece of plastic for nearly all of those three years. He has horded them

(perhaps my compulsions were passed on to him), hidden them strategically, and mostly been comforted by them. So when we couldn't find the last one last Saturday night, it seemed like an awful, if predictable, tragedy. We looked high and low, under every Thomas the Train track and in every one of Spider Man's webs, but couldn't find it. That night, fortunately, he was too worn out from playing to make too much of a fuss. But the next night - was a true mourning. He's old enough that he understood just how gone it was, but still baby enough to be really sad. He came back downstairs and broke my heart with his very sad tone of voice when he said "Mommy, I need something to suck on." It was as though he understood that the little piece of silicone and plastic comforted him, and he would take any substitute available.

Somehow he (and I) made it through that night. And the next. And the next. He hasn't mentioned it for days and is doing just fine. Then yesterday, I was changing the sheets on my bed and I heard it land with a slight thud on the floor.

So my question for you is this - What do I do with it? Obviously, I'm not giving it to my son. It would be a cruelty to ask him to go through that withdrawal twice. I called my mother just after the discovery and she said "Throw it away - quickly - before he finds it." My response was that it felt like I was throwing away his best friend. I couldn't do that.

I have a friend, who discovered among her mother's belongings the little rings that were used in her brothers' circumcisions. I know someone else whose family kept the caul (aka amniotic sac) that a baby was born in. These seem like examples of sentimentality gone awry - possibly gone biohazard! But, who am I to judge, I have a placenta in the deep freezer! It took me 2 1/2 years, a new pregnancy, and a bucket-full of tears to bury Liam's placenta (that's another story - I don't think I'm quite as strange as that makes me sound).

So for now, I guess I'll keep it hidden in a drawer too high for my 3' 1" charmer to see into. And think of a plan before he gets much taller.

Inspirations: where we find them

At the fabric store this afternoon I found a piece of fabric that I absolutely love. It may become the inspiration for redecorating the kids playroom (aka dining room). I bought a length of the fabric to bring home and stare at, ponder over, be inspired by . . . I've had tons of ideas, but most of them involve the sewing machine. I called today to find out what it would cost to have it tuned up, so to speak, and was shocked to hear it would cost $69! I think I can buy a new one for $20 bucks more. Or find a great used one in a pawn shop. My sewing skills are minimal, so it is hard for me to justify that much money on a machine. I guess I'll just keep on pondering . . .

My son is having a hard time at school, so we had a parent/teacher conference today. The image he paints for us is a bleak one of damp, dark corners, cold porridge, and dim-witted bullies. I was even contemplating letting him move back to the class he just graduated from. His teacher, however, told us that his troubles are only the typical ones that all new kids experience upon moving up. He is neither a bully nor the kid whose lunch money is stolen daily. She felt like going from being the oldest, most mature child in class to the youngest and most immature child in class is often a hard transition, but certainly far from fatal. So now, we have to enforce better bedtime schedules, make sure he stays well and find a way to inspire him to like school again. Just a few little things . . .

I read an article on CNN today about how average people are making money publishing articles on the internet. Not exactly as professional freelance writers, but as amateurs with poor punctuation. It was actually interesting and thought provoking for me. For a few years now, I've though there might be a way for me to use my English degree along with all the other various and sundry experiences of mine to earn a little money or perhaps just the pleasure of my name in a by-line. I've even written a couple of pieces but have never submitted them to anyone. Perhaps I'll be inspired to try that soon . . .

Stupid TV (said with a teenage foot stomp)

Right now, there is this perfectly horrible show on pbs called "The truth about cancer" I watched it for nearly an hour and a half, before I decided that this producer/director's "truth" is that we all die. A lot of us from cancer. When I was only about 10 or 20 minutes into this show, I realized I probably wasn't going to learn anything I didn't know from it. Still, I felt compelled to watch it - what if the key to my Mother's cancer (or just some fabulous idea about how to live better with it) is in this show? If I don't watch I might miss it. Its ridiculous, I know. My compromise is to leave the tv on downstairs and then come upstairs to do make this post (and to eat a little cup full of my chocolate yogurt concoction that cures all).

I can't fix cancer, I know that. I also know that isn't my job (thank God for that, eh?).

Since I named this about drinking whatever the waitress brings, I'll point out that we made some lovely progress on our back porch. We now have festive lighting, a flowering plant, and lovely seating for four adults and one greyhound mix. I'm looking forward to warmer weather so that I can enjoy this reclaimed space with the ones I love. If I can get as smart as my mother is about computers and camera's I'll try to take a picture.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be making new friends and knitting shawls and blankets for folks who need them in the process.

Getting started

New beginnings, everyday is an opportunity, a choice to maintain the status quo or to begin afresh.

Some of those around me have suggested (I dare say nagged) that I should create a place for some of my thoughts. Whether these thoughts are really worth publishing, or simply a rather public diary, I can't say. Today I felt inspired to create this spot.

We all have roles that change throughout our lives. At times I've been a musician, an outsider, a sorority girl, the smart one, a nurse, and a semi-professional student. Currently, I'm a wife, a mommy, a midwife, a daughter, and a breast cancer crusader. The future is plastic and ever-changing. What shall I be next?

Come with me and help me discover.